I keep getting warnings about the dangers of being “all or nothing.” The first thing that people say when I tell them that I’m trying to get healthy/lose weight is to pace myself and not get too caught up in it. I can understand this to an extent, because it really does feel like once I start being healthy in one arena (like eating), I feel more like being healthy in all arenas (like exercising); the flip side of that I guess is doing one unhealthy thing and then giving in and being terrible about everything else. But I don’t understand how to avoid that parallel entirely. I think I’m pacing myself. My workouts (all two of ‘em) have been spaced to give my muscles enough recovery time, and they’re not particularly hard workouts in any respect. I am trying to eat 1200 calories a day but it looks like the general pattern is around 1300, which I’m okay with. I have a cheat day. And I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the day when I get sad and slip up, or when someone surprises me with dinner, or birthday cake, or whatever, and I’m conceptualizing those as discrete moments rather than failings in the overall plan. I’m trying to keep my language kind and not too judgmental (this involves literal editing, sometimes, but that’s also a general problem that I’m always working on) when I write about what I’m doing or what my plans are. So I feel like, yeah, I’m not doing this so hardcore that I’m going to drive myself nuts, right?
So why do people instantly talk about ways you can fail when you’re doing well? It’s interesting to me. I can appreciate the fact that no one is putting pressure on me by cheering too hard. As of yet, I totally own this little project, which is good. I’ve told enough people to make it real, but no one’s making a huge deal about it, and that’s probably a good thing.
In fact, it makes me happy when I can gradually push myself. I tend to take things slow. Like running - I’ll do easy intervals forever, or run at a 5, but I always try to make myself run just one more mile or for just 30 more seconds when I get there. I never got to the point where I could sprint forever, but I also felt pretty positive about running, instead of treating it like a necessary torture. And even if that doesn’t lead to super fast results, it did work last time.
As for the diet, I know that this is not really a sustainable amount of calories to eat. I’m not sure if I’m going to maintain this for the entire time that I’m trying to lose weight, or if I’ll get tired of counting calories sooner than that. Last time I started watching my food I got tired of it, too, and just started trying to limit portions and eat more whole foods and be active. It worked. This is okay with me. Right now, I’m trying to get my body used to thinking of food as fuel. I’m trying to get used to actually feeling hungry and being okay with it. When I overeat, I rarely feel hungry. It got to a point where I’d think I was hungry even when I wasn’t, and when I actually WAS hungry, I felt like I was dying. That’s ridiculous. So this 1200/1300 calorie thing might just be a sort of detox, in the end. All I know is my portions were out of control, my eating patterns were not based on hunger or nutritional need, and I was willfully ignoring the calories I was consuming. This might be the “all or nothing” approach, but it’s helping me to think more about the pointless calories that I was taking in without consideration, and what real portions look like.
Eventually, whether it’s because I reach a weight goal, or get sick of counting, or up my exercise regimen, I’m going to have to make a plan for life nutrition that involves weight-sustaining calorie intake and a new balance of healthier foods. Last time, I reached my goal weight right as I moved away from college and my gym, picked up in a city that you have to drive a lot and where I didn’t have a lot of friends, started two new stressful jobs, moved in with a stressful boyfriend, and generally lost my way. I didn’t have a plan, and I wasn’t happy, and I started making excuses, like “I fit in smalls now, I can afford to eat what I want” and “Fast food breakfast is the only answer when you have to be at work at 6 a.m.” And I wasn’t dealing with my emotions in any useful way. So in two years, I gained back 30 lbs. In the last year, I’ve gained 15 or 20 pounds more, as I started grad school and let my stressful relationship fall apart, and before I started this diet I was sitting somewhere a little over 190. 138 to 190 in just three years, and I know that it’s totally possible that this could happen again if I’m not careful.
There are a few key differences, this time, though. One, I’m doing this for me. Last time, it was for love, and when that love fell apart or when I was angry at him, I let food comfort me in spiteful ways. It was sick. I know. But this year, I’m doing all kinds of things for myself, for the first time. And even if sometimes I slip, I’m learning now how to forgive myself, and how to really face the root of my problems, and how to withstand emotions instead of covering them with food. So this time, I hope, I’ll be able to catch myself when I fall.
Anyway, I have to be hopeful. This rant is reaching a ridiculous length. More later, I’m sure.
